


Not Enough

by astudyinfic



Series: You Are Not Your Own [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec trying and failing to help, Break Up, M/M, Magnus dealing with the after math, Spoilers for 2x12, angsty as hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-13 14:33:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11187114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astudyinfic/pseuds/astudyinfic
Summary: The Malec scene at the end of 2x12, extended.Spoilers for 2x12





	Not Enough

“Tell me what I can do to make this better.”

Magnus couldn’t look at him, this man, the love of his life.  Sure, part of him wished to wrap his arms around him, lose himself in the comforting presence of his lover.  But Magnus couldn’t do that.  Couldn’t even raise his head to look at him while he spoke.

In his mind, he saw the images from his childhood.  His mother screaming at him because of his demon mark.  His mother dead by her own hand because she couldn’t bear knowing what her son really was.  Him as a tiny child, crying for her to love him, to hold him like she had only a night before.  But that comfort would never come and instead of love, he knew only pain and sorrow when he thought of her.  She might not have ever loved him at all.

“That agony rune,” that horrible mark burned into flesh that wasn’t even his own, “it made me relive memories I’ve spent centuries trying to forget.”

But Alec wanted to make it better.

Alec, his dear Alexander, who looked him in the eye, listened to intimate details of their life and still strapped him to a chair to be executed.  The person who swore he loved him but couldn’t bring himself to believe him even when presented with every piece of proof he had to offer.  Alec, who couldn’t even be bothered to call ‘Magnus’ and ask a question only he would know.

Instead, Magnus nearly died. 

A hundred and fifty years ago, he almost killed himself.  The empty feeling of that night was nothing compared to what he felt now.  He saw that when the agony rune activated.  He felt that empty hollowness from the night on the bridge.  What he wouldn’t give for that feeling right now.  Because he knew that pain, he’s survived that pain.  This?  How could he survive this?

Back then, he had Camille.  She was horrible and imperfect and saved him for her own desires.  But she never hid that.  He knew who she was and stayed with her anyway.

Alexander?  What they had was special, Magnus knew that.  He doubted he would ever find someone else like him, would ever find someone he loved as much.  And that made it so much worse.  Because how could Alec love him if he didn’t know him well enough to see him through Valentine’s eyes?  How could he only save him because _Jace_ told him to?

“I almost died,” he said softly, looking down at his hands, twisting the rings in a nervous habit he’d thought he’d rid himself of.  “You strapped me to that chair and walked away.  The last thing I would have seen was you, staring at me with hatred in your eyes and then leaving me to my death.”

“Magnus, I’m so sorry.  I’ll do anything to make this better.  Just tell me what to do.”

“THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU, ALEC!” Magnus yelled, the anger building up from deep inside.  “I’m not here to absolve your guilt.  You pushed me into a wall and pressed your arm to my neck.  You nearly killed me.  I almost died because the love of my life couldn’t even be bothered to check and see if my stories were true. “

Looking ashamed, Alec held out his hands to Magnus only to draw them back immediately.  “If I had known, I would never.  I don’t want to hurt you, Magnus.  I love you.”

He knew the words to be true, felt the sincerity of them on the steps of the Institute that grim morning.  But it didn’t change the facts.  “Let me guess.  You went running to Jace who told you not to believe anything Valentine said?”

Alec sputtered, looking like he’d been slapped but, for once, Magnus didn’t want to comfort him.  “Valentine is always two steps ahead of us.  How could I have known?  You have to believe me, I did everything…”

“Did you call _me_?  Ask me what we did in Tokyo?  Where we stayed?  Did you ask where the omamori was?  Did you even consider checking or were you just going to take everyone’s word for it that I couldn’t have possibly have been there?  Everyone but mine.  You were playing with my life, Alexander and it was like it was nothing at all.”

The tears were falling fast and hot, and Magnus didn’t bother to stop them.  “I have never felt more scared or more alone than I did tonight.  So, pardon me if I can’t forgive you just yet.”

Alec stood, placing his hand on Magnus shoulder who shrugged it off.  Magnus could hear the tears in his voice but didn’t turn around.  Finally getting the hint, he asked, “Magnus, what do _you_ need?  Tell me what you need and I will do it.  Anything you ask.”

Magnus had watched it with his own eyes, Alec would blow up the ground he stood on to right a wrong.  But right now, there was only one thing he could do.  “You need to go, Alexander.  I will call you when I am ready but right now, I need you to leave.” 

“But… I'm sorry?”

“Sorry isn't enough, Alexander. Now, go.  Please go and don’t make me force you.  I can’t have you here right now.”

A shuddering sigh and those footsteps that used to signal impending happiness.  Now, hearing them heading away from him allowed some dark and miserable thing to loosen slightly inside him.  Every time he looked at Alec he saw what he did.  Saw the hatred in his eyes.  “You know how to get in touch with me, Magnus.  I…I was trying to protect you.  I thought I was doing the right thing.”

He nodded, eyes still focused out on the city and away from his boyfriend.  “You were supposed to be different, Alexander.  I thought out of everyone, you were the one I could trust to see the truth.  It seems we were both wrong.  Goodbye, Alexander.”

The door opened and Magnus heard a soft “I love you” then the door latched closed.

Only then did he allow himself to cry.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I cried through writing this. Honestly, I think Magnus is going to need time to process and seeing Alec is not going to help. His boyfriend shoved him against a wall, choked him, and then aided in his almost execution. There is some trust to be rebuilt before this relationship can ever be considered healthy again.
> 
> This was written fast, without a beta and is probably terrible but I had emotions to work out and writing is really the only way I can do that.


End file.
